EXCERPT #6 FROM MY BOOK, “BURNING RUBBER”

Despite his decades-long estrangement from Allah, Sam, not familiar with pork and its vicissitudes, not privy to the perils posed by the Other White Meat gone bad, did not realize the ramifications posed by three hundred pounds of thawed-out pork in 104 degree Vegas.  After spending two days shitting in their pants and puking their guts out, nearly 250 Supersonic trough-feeders were sent to the hospital with what, one emergency room MD quipped — was the worst case of food poisoning he’d seen since a couple dozen of his med school classmates had taken him up on a dare and eaten the rotting, gangrenous vagina of a comatose carny whose box hadn’t been cleaned out in at least three years.  To make matters worse, one of Sam’s cooks, a man named Sergio from rural Chihuahua, had shrugged off suggestions from fellow workers and carelessly undercooked a batch of sausages one day.  Pressed for time and anxious to snag a little panoche from a motel maid he’d just met, Sergio took the Polish links out of the oven early — way too early, compadre — so he wouldn’t be tardy for his date in the walk-in supply closet.  The next day, while Sergio daydreamed about ramming the visibly pregnant Maria up the laundry chute with his “Gigante” brand (hecho in Mexico) chorizo, George Sneddeker, an accountant from Minneapolis, was rushed by ambulance to the Elvis Presley Memorial Hospital after complaining of severe abdominal pains.  Within 24 hours, his liver had exploded, and within a week, he was visited, in order, by his wife, his minister and his funeral director.

County Health came out and suspended Sam’s operations for a month, confirming that this had been the first documented case of death by trichinosis in the Silver State since the infamous Lard Days rodeo outbreak of 1959.  But, after a series of half-assed inspections, modest bribes and the yanking of Mr. Chorizo’s green card, the Supersonic All-You-Can-Eat Artery-Buster Meat Freakout reopened for business just in time for Jimmy and me, and boy-oh-boy (as certain teevee script writers reportedly write), were we hungry!

I’m not sure what Jimmy put down that morning but I kept track of my intake so I’d have a figure to embellish at Riverside drunk-a-thons.  Between 10:30 and noon — pre-exaggeration, mind you — I ate 19 pieces of bacon, eight smoky breakfast links, two good-sized slabs of genuine ersatz Virginia-style ham (“Inbred Jed” brand, made in West Virginia), a big ‘ol chewy chicken-fried steak (or was it a steak-fried chicken — who the hell knew under all that gravy), a quarter pound of “Cajun’s Delight” brand andouille sausage (made in New Jersey), and for desert, a huge heap of “Corazon del Fuego” brand Mexican-style chorizo (hecho in Commerce, California).

Fuck the Rules

DUMBFUCK MILF PALIN MIFFED AT USE OF WORD “RETARDED”

BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL — SO SOME STUPID, BIBLE-BEATIN’ BITCH DOESN’T LIKE THE WORD “RETARDED” BECAUSE HER OWN KID’S A FUCKIN’ RETARD.  WHO THE FUCK CARES?  WHY NOT FOCUS ON SUBSTANTIVE ISSUES, YOU STUPID CUNT?  IT’S AS ASININE AS THE “MACACA” DUSTUP!

Palin's Fuckin' Retard Offspring

Palin Blasts Emanuel for Calling Dem Idea ‘Retarded’

GOVT. GOONS PREPARING FOR SUPER POLICE STATE BOWL

 

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FASCISM?

 

THAT’S RIGHT, SPORTS FANS — IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR — TIME FOR GOVERNMENT GOONS TO USE TERRORISM AS AN EXCUSE TO VIOLATE THE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS OF THOSE WITH ENOUGH MONEY TO WASTE ON THE ANNUAL RELIGIOUS CELEBRATION — THE FASCIST BOWL — WHERE “LUCKY” TICKET HOLDERS (NOT THE ORDINARY, FAITHFUL FANS, OF COURSE ) – MOSTLY A BUNCH OF ASSHOLE POLITICIANS, “CELEBRITIES” AND OTHER “IMPORTANT,”  MEGA-WEALTHY PEOPLE — WILL GATHER IN PIETY TO OBSERVE TWO OPPOSING GROUPS — COMPRISED LARGELY OF WEALTHY, THUGGISH, RETARDED NEGROS — SMASH THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER FOR THREE HOURS OR SO. 

YES, IT’S THE “SUPER” BOWL  — SO ORDINARY KEYSTONE KOP FASCISM BY THE LOCAL FUCKERS WON’T DO — WE GOTTA HAVE “SUPER” CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS VIOLATIONS — SO IT’S TIME TO BRING ON — IN ADDITION TO THE JARHEAD IMBECILES IN THE YELLOW JACKETS — EVERY FASCIST GOV’T. AGENCY IN EXISTENCE, INCLUDING SOME NEW ONES CREATED JUST FOR THIS “SUPER” OCCASION!  THROW IN SCANNERS, METAL DETECTORS, NAZI HUNDS — ALONG WITH STRIP SEARCHES AND COLONOSCOPIES — AND YOU’VE GOT A REAL FUN TIME AT THE ‘OL BALL PARK!…AND DON’T FORGET THE WARM, OVERPRICED “LITE” BEER!

ATTENTION, MASOCHISTS:  PREPARE TO SHELL OUT A LOT OF MONEY TO BE HARRASSED AND HUMILIATED BY THE MOST OFFICIOUS BUNCH OF FASCIST TRASH THIS COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER:  HAVE “FUN” AS A PACK OF GARBAGE — DREGS CULLED FROM BENEATH THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL — A DIVERSE SELECTION OF ASSHOLES, INCLUDING PIG-FUCKIN’ OKIES, INNER-CITY BLACK PIMP GANGSTAS, CORPULENT ANGRY SAMOANS AND BELLIGERENT MEXICANS — AND OTHER SPECIES OF LOW-I.Q. SCUM — VIOLATE YOUR PRIVACY AT EVERY TURN.  PREPARE TO GET PUMMELED AND “TASED” IF YOU “RESIST.”  AND DON’T WORRY — YOU WON’T EVEN HAVE TO GO “DOWNTOWN” — THE GOON SQUADS HAVE THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING — FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, THEY’VE EVEN SET UP A NICE LITTLE JAIL RIGHT AT THE STADIUM!

GREAT NEWS: AL-BUMMAH ANNOUNCES, “I QUIT!”

 

AL-BUMMAH'S HOMELAND: INDO-FUCKIN-ESIA

In a stunning about-face, Grand Fakir Al-Bummah announced — during the “State of the Hood” address — that he’s resigning and fleeing to Indonesia where he will assume the rank of corporal in the Royal Islamic Army.  Sources close to the Black House say that Al-Bummah, despondent over his spectacular failure here in the “Great Satan,” had been contemplating suicide but has decided, instead, to return to, as he puts, “the nation where the Holy Koran dictates our every move.”  Joey “The Plagiarist” Biden will be sworn in as soon as he can copy someone else’s speech.

SECRET MEAT MARINADE WINS ACCOLADES

 

READY FOR THE SECRET SAUCE!ADDS A CERTAIN "TANG"

Police arrested a Canton man accused of walking into a local Wal-Mart store early Friday morning and urinating on the counter containing steaks.

Robert T. Jenkins, 21, of 2021 Holland Ct. SW, was arrested at 1:30 a.m. at the store at 3200 Atlantic Blvd. NE on charges of felony vandalism and disorderly conduct, Stark County Jail records said.

Jail records said he entered the store, walked to the steak counter and began urinating on the food, causing more than $600 in damage to the meat and surrounding counters.

He remained in the jail later Friday, held in lieu of $25,000 bond.

COMING SOON TO A CITY NEAR YOU: MORE HAITIAN ILLEGAL ALIENS

Haitian thugs bringing the "cutting edge" of Haitian "culture" to the US

$100 mil for Haiti — but jackshit for homeless Americans

HOMELESS AMERICANS

WHY THE FUCK CAN THE GODDAMNED GOV’T. COME UP WITH MONEY FOR HAITI ON SHORT NOTICE — BUT NOT FOR HOMELESS AMERICANS?  THERE ARE AMERICANS SLEEPING ON THE SIDEWALKS TONIGHT — BUT WE SEND MONEY TO HELLHOLE HAITI!

I’D LIKE A FUCKIN’ EXPLANANTION!

WHO GIVES A FUCKIN’ SHIT?

 

The Holy Messiah as Cheesy Fuckin' Teevee Merchandise

JEE-ZUS FUCKIN’ KA-REIST, GODDAMMITT!  WHO GIVES A FUCKIN’ SHIT IF SOME FUCKIN’ POLITICIAN CALLED SOME OTHER FUCKIN’ POLITICIAN A NEGRO…A COLORED PERSON…AN AFRICAN AMERICAN…A NIGGER…A NIGRA…A PERSON OF COLOR…A BLACKAMOOR…A SHVARTZE…A DARKIE…A KAFFIR…AN AFRO-AMERICAN…A JIG…A JIGABOO…A…?

UTTERLY FLUMMOXED

After I ruptured by spleen

in Abilene

I had a splenectomy

in Schenectady

back in Chicago

I met a Chicano

who ate chicharones

on the old Alta Plano

I was struck on the noggin

by a goyishe toboggan

in suburban (suh-boy-ban)Sheboygan

(thereIgoagain)

I injured my phallus in Dallas

and had a brittlecock in Little Rock

didn’t want to see the doc

(jackedoffinasock)

while riding in a Winnebago

I strained my lumbago

so I took a vacation

to Trinidad and Tobago

and danced to the tunes of

Hugo Montenegro

after which I sailed

to the Cape of Good Hope

where I purchased

some very good dope

some soap on a rope

and the powdered horns

of a lame antelope

AL-BUMMAH ANNOUNCES NEW AIRPORT SECURITY PROGRAM

 AL-BUMMAH IDENTIFIES LIKELY TERROR SUSPECT PROFILE

In his latest attempt to “protect” his subjects, Emir Al-Bummah has introduced a new protocol aimed at keeping Moslem “tourists” safe while visiting the “Great Satan,” aka the US of A.  From now on, anyone who can prove that he hates this country and has a concrete plan to unleash Allah-inspired murder and mayhem, will be escorted, gratis, to the major population center of his choice.  Once here, the Islamofascist terrorist –oops, I mean “multicultural third-world ambassador of the religion of peace” — will be given advanced technical training at an American university, tuition paid for by middle-class white people via Al-Bummah’s compulsory wealth-redistribtution regime, or as it’s known among fawning media sycophants, “health care reform.”  To further secure our “security,” HIS HOLINESS, DA’ FAKIR ‘O FUNK, has announced that – in the interest of avoiding “profiling” — effective immediately, all elderly Caucasian women (old honkey bags) will be subject, upon arrival at the airport, upon entering the “secured” area, and when boarding a plane, to FULL BODY CAVITY SEARCHES by paroled felons from the nation’s “supermax” slammers.  Those who resist — even verbally — will be required to perform 200 hours of “community service” consisting of “performing” in “anal” scenes in hard-core movies produced by Spike Lee’s newest creative concern, Old Ho Studios.